


what am i becoming

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [44]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mundane Magnus Bane, Slight Canon Divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 13:02:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18469516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: “I just want to help you, Magnus. Please, let me be here for you.”Magnus feels a wave of guilt on top of the anger and pain he’s already drowning under at the look of hurt on Alec’s face, the desperation he feels evident in his words.“I don’t think those two things can be synonymous right now, Alexander,” Magnus admits.---((Or, what if Magnus blamed Alec for Lorenzo taking his magic back and he actually took some time away to sort through that resentment.))





	what am i becoming

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: magnus not wanting to see alec after lorenzo takes his magic back. like realistically he knows this isn't alecs fault but also a part of him is angry at alec for having to give up his magic for him not once but twice. and he stays with catarina or rapahel for a while

“I have everything I need right here,” Magnus returned defiantly, determined in the heat of the moment not to show how truly broken he felt over having magic taken away from him  _ twice _ now. He allows Alec to hold him in the aftermath, to comfort him, repeating soft reassurances into the side of his neck, breathing sighs of relief against his hair. And why shouldn’t he be relieved? Alec got what he wanted when he called Lorenzo here in the first place. And what does Magnus have? What does he get out of this deal? 

He knows it isn’t fair, but the resentment towards Alec for the decision he practically forced upon him begins to grow almost immediately. Every time Alec smiles at him, every time Alec mentions how he’s going to be  _ alright _ now, that he’s going to be  _ better,  _ Magnus feels the bitterness inside him grow. Alec didn’t make the decision, he has no right to blame him… but what he feels just then is far from rational and so he blames him anyway. 

Magnus says he needs some air and Alec offers to go for a walk, Magnus shakes his head. He wants to go alone. He wants to clear his head. But Alec is insistent and Magnus can see that hint of fear in his eyes, that bit of him that’s afraid of what Magnus might do still after the decision he almost made earlier. So he smiles and agrees, but instead of clearing his head he just feels flares of anger every time Alec smiles, or laughs, or looks like things are okay now, even just for a second. He’s surprised to realize how furious he is over how  _ content _ Alec is with the way things are right now. 

“Come on, let’s go back to my room for the night. You must be exhausted.” Alec says when the sun starts to set, tugging Magnus’ hand in the direction of the Institute. 

Except Magnus doesn’t move. He stands perfectly still, rooted to the spot, paralyzed by the idea of going back there not as a  _ Warlock _ (which was bad enough) but as a  _ Mundane _ . He’d take the judgement of Shadowhunters over their pity any day of the week. 

“No.” Magnus says, realizing that he can’t keep doing this. 

“...no? I mean we can keep walking, but it’s getting late and-” 

“No, not-” Magnus starts, then stops again. “This isn’t about the walk, Alexander. It’s about-” he huffs, the emotions finally becoming so overwhelming they tumble out of him in clips and phrases instead of coherent thoughts. “I can’t go back there. I can’t stay at the Institute.” 

“Oh,” Alec says, face falling before he recovers a bit. “Alright. Well, it’s late but I’m sure there’s somewhere with a vacancy we can find.” 

Magnus considers this, wondering if it’d be enough distance from the situation to clear his head a bit, but the moment he looks over at that hesitant, hopeful half-smile on Alec’s face, a confused expression that very clearly reads ‘I don’t know why you’re making this harder than it has to be for me to help you’ look, he knows he can’t agree to that, either. 

“I think I need some time away… from all of this.”

“Oh,” Alec repeats, but this time there’s no recovering once the realization hits him. “You don’t just want to get away from the Institute, you want to get away from me.” 

“It isn’t personal-”    
  
“It isn’t  _ personal _ that you don’t want to be with me?” Alec cuts in, but immediately winces as the words leave his mouth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” But Alec trails off, not sure what to say. “I just want to help you, Magnus. Please, let me be here for you.” 

Magnus feels a wave of guilt on top of the anger and pain he’s already drowning under at the look of hurt on Alec’s face, the desperation he feels evident in his words. 

“I don’t think those two things can be synonymous right now, Alexander,” Magnus admits. He can’t look at Alec and feel grateful that he’s alive if it’s at the cost of his magic. And he can’t keep shoving the resentment down every time Alec says something meant to be reassuring. He prays that Alec will understand, or at least not fight him on this one, because he doesn’t think he has the strength to say those things to his boyfriend’s face. 

There’s a long, strained silence that follows. Magnus feels the tightness in his chest as he anxiously waits for any sort of reaction from Alec, and Alec’s eyes dart back and forth across Magnus’ face, reading him and assessing the situation the best he can before speaking again. 

“Okay. If that’s what you need right now, if that’s what’s going to help you…” It’s obvious that Alec doesn’t agree with the decision, but he nods just the same, giving a resigned sigh. “Where will you go?” 

Magnus, admittedly, hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Catarina’s?” He doubts she’ll turn him away, and if she does for some reason he can always get himself a motel, or something. 

“Alright. I’ll just-- call me when you’re there?” Alec looks more unsure of himself than Magnus has seen him in weeks. His hands fidget like he doesn’t know where to put them, eyes moving across all of Magnus, unable to settle on where to look but unable to meet his gaze. 

“Of course.” Just in case there’s any doubt, because Magnus knows how this looks, he knows how it must sound, he crosses the space between them and places a soft kiss to the corner of Alec’s mouth. “I love you.” It isn’t a lie. He’s angry, and frustrated, and more than a little overwhelmed, but he still loves Alec and all his well-meant intentions, even if he can’t be around them at the moment. 

“I love you, too.” Alec replies, and the tension in his shoulders eases slightly at the words. 

Magnus manages the briefest flicker of a half-smile before turning and walking away. 

\---

Cat, a better friend than he deserves most of the time, welcomes him into her apartment with open arms. She doesn’t pry at first, instead giving him some time to himself while she volunteers to portal over to the Institute and grab a few things of his from Alec’s room for him. It’s a small gesture but it shows she already knows exactly why he’s here, even before he’s able to get his head straight enough to explain it out loud. 

When she gets back he’s already asleep on the sofa so she puts a blanket over him and goes to sleep herself. 

At first he isn’t sure if staying with two warlocks is going to help. Catarina asks exactly once, the first morning he wakes up to her cooking breakfast using her magic, if she’d prefer for her and Madzie to not use their powers around him. It’s a kind gesture but he turns it down. The reminders hurt, but he feels no ill will towards them for having it. It’s a good start to figuring out exactly where his emotions over losing Lorenzo’s magic are coming from, at least. 

He still feels lost, though. Losing this replacement magic somehow hurts more, probably because he has nothing to show for it in return. He didn’t do it to save Jace, or Alec. He did it to save himself, and it hardly seems worth it if this is the life he saved. 

He sleeps a lot. He plays with Madzie. He forces himself to check the paper for apartments, chest aching just a little every time one boasts the walk-in closet Alec promised him, and he makes himself useful around Cat’s place so he isn’t just freeloading. He drinks, but not around Cat or Madzie, only at night after they both go to sleep. For the first two days he just tries to not think about anything at all, which is impossible, but he makes a valiant effort. He certainly doesn’t talk about losing his magic, or Alec, or why he left to come here. 

In fact, he doesn’t sit down to talk with Catarina about everything that drove him here until the third day. 

“I’m just so angry at him, Cat. For going to Lorenzo for help. For taking my magic away from me  _ twice _ . If it wasn’t for him I could’ve kept it. I  _ would’ve _ kept it.” He knows of all the things to blame Alexander for, being upset that he, essentially, saved Magnus’ life hardly seems fair. 

But Magnus’ life is far from fair right now. 

“One some level I know I shouldn’t be so mad. I could’ve said no, but...” 

“But you know he wouldn’t accept any other decision.” Cat fills in. “I know. He talked to me quite a bit  while you were unconscious. It was… he loves you. A lot. So much so it clouds his ability to think objectively about things like this; to see them from your side, and not just his.” 

“He wouldn’t even hear me out when I tried to explain it might be worth… worth the risk.” They both knew what that risk was, but he couldn’t look his oldest friend in the eyes and admit he would be willing to consider leave even her right now, if it got his magic back for a short while. “After everything he said to me, how was I supposed to tell him I still needed it? He forced my hand - if I kept it, it would’ve been as good as saying I didn’t care about him.” 

Catarina says nothing, sipping at the warm mug in her hands, the last of her omelette forgotten.    
  
“This isn’t me. This isn’t who I want to be, but he’s so goddamn  _ fine _ with it. He’s just as happy to watch me grow old and die without batting an eyelash. I love him, Cat. But I can’t love him while I’m so consumed with this…  _ despair _ sounds so goddamn dramatic, but I feel like my very soul is missing without magic.” 

“Then you need to make sure he understands that. He just wants you alive. He needs you to be here, and that’s enough for him. He obviously doesn’t understand why that isn’t enough for you. And  _ you _ ,” she says, tone turning pointed. “Need to decide if this life can be enough for you, one day. Because we’re all still trying to find ways to get you magic back. But if we can’t…” 

Magnus shudders involuntarily at the thought. He knows it’s a very real possibility that this is it for him. He just can’t accept it the way everyone around him seems to be able to. 

“You’re the one who has to live it, Magnus. But if you keep pushing everyone away who tries to help then you’re going to be living it alone. I’ve seen you go down that road once before and I’d rather not watch it happen again.” 

He nods, and then retreats the guest room that Cat set up for him after he fell asleep on the sofa that first night. He has a lot to think about… things he probably should’ve been working on the past few days instead of ignoring them. Sleep doesn’t come easily, not with everything weighing on his mind after he closes his eyes, and when it does come it’s restless, his body’s tossing and turning reflective of the back-and-forth inside his head on what he needs to do next. 

\---

Magnus wakes up early enough to make breakfast every morning after the first, and by the fourth morning he and Madzie are already developing a bit of a routine. 

“Good morning, Sweetheart!” Magnus says, waking the young warlock up to eat. “I made pancakes, better get them before they’re cold and all the whipped cream melts!” 

She bounds out of bed eagerly, and Catarina laughs. “If I knew a little whipped cream at breakfast was the trick to getting her out of bed I would’ve stocked up ages ago,” she chuckles. 

“I’m glad you’re sleeping over so often,” Madzie says after her first forkful of food. “But Alec misses having you sleep over with him, even though he doesn’t want you to know that. I think you should go back, I don’t mind sharing! I bet he misses the pancakes, too. He looked really sad when I was telling him about them.” The words tumble out in innocence as she takes another large bite. 

“...when did you talk to Alec, Madzie?” Cat questions, taking a few steps into the dining area. 

She ducks her head down at the question. “I went to see him last night. Just real quick, and he wasn’t mad, I promise! I just wanted to say hi.”

Magnus frowns. Madzie asked to see Alec a couple of times over the last few days, or to have Alec come over with Magnus. They kept saying he was busy, but clearly Madzie decided she missed him too much to buy that for another day.  

“Madzie! You can’t just do things like that without asking me first!” Cat scolds, a worried look on her face aimed not at Madzie, but at Magnus, who bites down on his lower lip. 

“But you said I can always trust Alec,” she points out, confused, and Magnus’ heart aches. The last thing he wants is for her to think she can’t go to him just because they’re having a… whatever this is. It’s hardly a fight when Alec just nodded and let him walk away, after all.    
  
“Of course you can. And I bet he was thrilled to see you, Sweetpea.” Magnus says, with a strange, strained look on his face. “...I should call him. Excuse me.” 

A minute later he’s in the hallway, Alec’s contact info pulled up on his cell.   
  
“Alexander? Are you busy today? I’d like to come over and talk... If you want to.” 

\---

Two hours later and Magnus knocks on the door to Alec’s office before going in, feeling far more nervous than he wants to be.

“What, no pancakes?” Alec asks, eyebrow raised.    
  
“I don’t know what you’re--” Magnus starts, but Alec only shakes his head. 

“I know Madzie told you she was here. Why else would you call all of a sudden?” Magnus is positive he can hear an underlying current of bitterness there. It isn’t entirely undeserved; he didn’t so much as text Alec after he walked away after their walk 4 days ago.    
  
“It isn’t like that. I just… I didn’t want to talk and not have anything to say. Or say the wrong things. I had to get my thoughts in order and figure out what I needed, and not do it in the pressure of the moment.”  _ Honest _ , he reminds himself. He promised Cat he’d be honest, even if it hurt, otherwise what was the point?  

“And do you? Have it all figured out now?” Alec asks, but his words are softer now. Magnus thinks, just for a second, he sees a flash of worry cross Alec’s face. 

“No. But I have a better idea now than I did in that Infirmary, I think.” Magnus admits. He takes a deep breath and lets go. Everything he thought, everything he felt, from blaming Alec for guilting him into the decision he made to how he really feels without his magic, no sugar coating it this time, and everything in between. He talks for minutes on end, and when he falls silent Alec says nothing, only waits and listens. 

_ Really  _ listens this time, hearing the things he doesn’t want to, and Magnus watches him hurt more with every confession Magnus gives, every truth he bears. It’s the most vulnerable he’s felt with anyone, ever. And the fact that he’s allowing himself to do this here, with Alec, makes everything fall into place for him. 

This is him at his worst - angry, afraid, irrational, hopeless. Every quality of his that ever pushed someone away, every irredeemable thought that made him unlovable, is wrapped up inside of him now in this moment. And instead of leaving, Alec stays. He sits. He listens to every word but he stays. 

For Magnus. 

The realization stops him mid-sentence. 

“...what is it?” Alec asks, speaking for the first time since Magnus started because there’s a strange look on his face that wasn’t there before. 

“Nothing, I just... realized something.” Magnus says, surprised at the small smile forming on his lips at inescapable truth that if there’s someone he’s willing to try making this work with, it’s Alec. He’s already lost his magic. It’s gone, done, and there’s nothing he can do about it. But he hasn’t lost Alec… not yet. 

If Alec still sees something in him worth keeping, something worth fighting for, perhaps he owes it to the both of them to stay and see if Alec’s right.  

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)


End file.
